Parenting is obviously critical to the development of resiliency. Whereas dysfunctional or neglectful parenting can be one of the major risk factors for children, a close relationship with a parent who provides unconditional love and support is generally agreed to be the most significant protections a child can have against psychopathology and other problems later in life. Parents provide children with their basic 'roadmap' for navigating through life, and their capacity to cope with and overcome adversity is directly related to the skills and attitudes with which their parents have equipped them.

Parenting is a vast subject which goes beyond the scope of this website. The information on this page is a brief summary of some of the ways that parents can promote resiliency. Note that much of the information presented here is elaborated on in greater detail on other parts of this website. The best way to learn about fostering your children's resilience is to spend some time browsing the content of this site and familiarising yourself with the core concepts presented here. Links on this page will help you find relevant content.

Parenting styles

One influential model of parenting styles classifies parenting styles on two dimensions: degree of involvement and degree of demandingness (Baumrind, 1991). Involved parents are parents who take a close interest in their children, are responsive to their needs, and are intimately involved in their children's lives. Uninvolved parents, on the other hand, are relatively remote and unresponsive, and take relatively less interest in the ins and outs of their children's lives. Demanding parents have high expectations of their children in terms of behaviour and responsibility, are firm and set clear boundaries. Undemanding parents have relatively lower behavioural standards, allow their children more freedom to do as they please, and impose fewer boundaries. These two dimensions define four different parenting styles, as follows:

• Low involvement + low demands = laissez faire parenting. These parents do not pay much attention to their children and do not place many demands on them either. In its most extreme form, this is neglectful parenting in which children simply 'fend for themselves'.
• Low involvement + high demands = authoritarian parenting. These parents are not close to their children, but are demand strict obedience. This is the traditional mode of parenting according to which, "children should be seen and not heard" and "sparing the rod will spoil the child."
• High involvement + low demands = permissive parenting. This style of parenting, particularly in fashion during the 1970's, allows children much latitude to do as they please, while parents remain close and attentive. Taken to an extreme, this parenting style indulges children without applying discipline.
• High involvement + high demands = authoritative parenting. Authoritative parents are interested, responsive and caring towards their children, but they also have high expectations of their children's behaviour, impose limits and expect children to bear appropriate responsibilities.

The relationship between these parenting styles is illustrated below.

Authoritative parenting has been shown to have the best outcomes for children, in line with resiliency research which has demonstrated that the three key factors of caring relationships, high expectations, and opportunities for involvement are the foundations for developing resiliency. Warmth, responsiveness and emotional closeness provide children with the sense of security, trust and self-esteem that are fundamental to resiliency. High expectations and clear boundaries provide the structure, discipline and sense of self-efficacy which children need in order to master important academic and life skills.

Discipline

The following are some tips on how to discipline children in ways that promote resiliency:

Focus on the positive

Notice when your kids do something good and reward them for this behaviour. If you are trying to change a child's problematic behaviour, notice even small steps in a positive direction and offer praise and encouragement.

Avoid shouting and smacking as punishments

There are several good reasons to avoid shouting and smacking children to discipline them. Firstly, they don't work well. Secondly, children copy the behaviour of adults, and if shouted at, will tend to shout back, which can lead to a vicious cycle, with parents yelling at the children for shouting, and so on. While children may not hit back at parents who smack them, there is evidence that they be more aggressive at school and with other children. Thirdly, smacking and yelling can create an unhelpful power struggle between parents and children, which can slowly escalate over time. By the time the child reaches adolescence, the parent may completely lose the ability to control the child, and may not have a strong enough relationship with the child to negotiate about acceptable behaviours. Finally, using intimidating techniques such as yelling and smacking to discipline children also creates an unpleasant emotional climate at home, which is stressful for everyone.

Use 'time out' and withdrawal of privileges to discipline young children

'Time out' is a popular and effective method of disciplining children, which involves putting the child in a specified place for a fixed length of time if they misbehave. If a room is used, it should be a boring one! It is no punishment to put a child in a room with all their favourite toys. Children should not be allowed out of time out until they are quiet. If a child leaves time out before their time is up, or while they are still they crying or complaining, they should be calmly and firmly returned until the specified time has elapsed. In some cases, it may be necessary to hold the door shut or use other means to ensure the child stays put. Children will usually resist initially, but if parents are resolute, the child will soon get the picture, and will learn to comply.

Withdrawal of privileges is also another effective technique, albeit one that should be used relatively sparingly. Privileges which can be removed can be anything which the child values such as time watching TV, playing on a computer, pocket money, use of a bike etc.

Have clear, rational rules and enforce them consistently

Children should be aware of the rules of the household, and should know that a breach of the rules will consistently result in a consequence, such as time out or loss of privileges. It can help to make a list of house rules which is clearly displayed, and which is created with input from children, so that everyone agrees what the rules are and that they are fair. In some cases, of course, children may not be 100% happy with all of the rules. However, if the rationale behind the rules is explained and understood, they will nevertheless recognise that the rules are there for a good reason, and will be aware that the system overall is rational and fair. To the extent that rules apply to adults, it is important that adults display the behaviour they expect of their children. For example, if there is a rule about tidying up after oneself, children will feel resentful if adults leave their mess behind, but expect children to follow the rule.

General tips for raising resilient children

The following are some general tips for raising resilient children, divided into the three key areas of caring relationships, high expectations and opportunities for participation. Links are provided for further information provided elsewhere on this site:

Caring relationships

• Provide unconditional love and emotional support. Demonstrate affection physically and verbally. (Click here for information about the importance of loving care during early childhood).
• Foster self-esteem by recognising and praising achievements and helping children to develop their talents and abilities.
• Provide ample time for communication with your child about the day's events, feeling and thoughts. Help children develop a vocabulary for talking about feelings by encouraging them to label their emotions.
• Avoid harsh criticism and negative comments.
• Demonstrate forgiveness and reconcile after disciplining children.
• Provide plenty of time and opportunity for creative play and exploration.

High expectations

• Help children to develop their problem-solving skills by assisting them to solve their own problems rather than stepping in with your own solutions.
• Teach children social skills and provide feedback about their social interactions.
• Recognise your child's capacity for maturity, common sense and learning, and expect them to behave accordingly. Communicate the message that "you have everything you need to succeed."
• Provide clear, consistent discipline.
• Challenge negative, defeatist thinking and encourage optimism.
• Offer plenty of encouragement to help your child persist when confronted by obstacles or difficulties.
• Encourage and respect children's autonomy.

Opportunities for participation

• Expect children to carry out age-appropriate chores and tasks that contribute to the welfare of the family.
• Encourage children to give their time to worthy causes or to helping others. This might range from helping to prepare food for a sick relative to volunteering for a local community tree-planting day.
• Provide resources for children to explore their interests.
• Involve children in family decision making and rule-setting.
• Hold family meetings in which children are encouraged to voice their feelings and thoughts to resolve conflicts and other issues.

Links

Information about positive parenting and evidence-based parenting practices:

www.vicparenting.com.au

Information about parenting styles:

www.athealth.com/Practitioner/ceduc/parentingstyles.html

References

Baumrind, D. (1989). Rearing competent children. In W. Damon (Ed.), Child development today and tomorrow (pp. 349-378). San Francisco: Jossey-Bass.

Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.

Benard, B. (1991). Fostering Resiliency in Kids: Protective Factors in the Family, School and Community. San Francisco: Far West Laboratory for Educational Research and Development. ED 335 781. Available at: www.cce.umn.edu/pdfs/NRRC/Fostering_Resilience_012804.pdf

Darling, N., & Steinberg, L. (1993). Parenting style as context: An integrative model. Psychological Bulletin, 113(3), 487-496.

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