Separation and Divorce is a difficult time for everyone involved. As a young person you may notice changes in your parents and your brothers, sisters, half brothers, half sisters, step sisters and step brothers.
There are many reasons for parents to separate or divorce. It is important to note that often children or young people blame themselves for their parents ending their relationship. This is wrong. Adults end their relationships because of many factors that may not have worked. If they do break up, remember, it is not your fault. This means it is their responsibility and that although you may want to help or to do something to stop the relationship ending, this is up to your parents to work out. Your parents are separating from each other, not from you.
Sometimes when parents are trying to sort things out they may fight. You may feel that they are too busy to worry about you, you have been forgotten and that they don’t care. This is not the case. Frequently adults may simply not know hoe their children are feeling. Therefore it is important to talk to them about your feelings and how the situation is affecting you.
Parents might also make the mistake of not talking to you about what is happening. They may think they are protecting you from the unpleasantness of the situation. This may mean you feel confused about what is happening to the family. You might feel angry because you haven't been given a chance to tell anyone what you are thinking or feeling, or to have any say in decisions that will affect your future.
Effects of family breakdown are different for everyone. You may feel quite okay about it all. On the other hand, many young people face difficulties.
You may feel very anxious and insecure after a family breakdown. Everything you believed to be permanent in your life has suddenly changed. People you trusted to always look after you are now gone. Even in families where their parents' relationship was violent and unhappy, young people can still grieve for the loss of a family life-style that was at least familiar and predictable. Every member of the family is suddenly faced with uncertainty.
High levels of anxiety can cause disrupted sleep, loss of appetite, over eating, low concentration, forgetfulness, nightmares, clumsiness.
You may start to worry about relationships, love and marriage. You may declare you'll never marry or you may become very careful about choosing your own future partners. This is common for young people who have witnessed their parent's separation.
Parents might look for your support and start telling you their problems. This may put stress on you and you might feel embarrassed by some things your parent tells you. It's okay to say you feel uncomfortable about this. If you're not sure how to tell your parent, talk it over with a school counsellor or a health professional.
You may feel torn between your mother and father. You may want to blame one particular person for the breakdown. This can mean that all your anger is directed at that one person, and all others are seen as 'innocent victims'. It can be hard to be fair when you feel angry and worried.
You might worry about things like where you are going to live, who you are going to live with, moving away from your friends and having less money in the home.
You may have to face changing family roles. You may have to do some of the things one of your parents used to do like looking after younger brothers and sisters.
All of these feelings are perfectly natural! Your life has changed dramatically and there was nothing you could do to stop it happening.
When a family breaks down, it is only natural to grieve. The feelings of loss can be almost the same as if the parent had died. Because we are all different, we all experience grief in our own way. However there are some emotions that most people go through at one level or another.
You may feel shock and numbness, especially if the news of the separation came as a complete surprise to you.
Another reaction can be 'denial'. You might convince yourself that your parents are only temporarily separated, and will eventually get back together.
You may feel anger. It is much healthier to find effective ways of dealing with your anger rather than trying to ignore it or to keep it bottled up inside.
You might find that you feel sad and depressed. You might feel flat and tired, and find yourself crying at odd times. This is a normal part of grieving. If sadness and depression lasts for too long, or becomes totally overwhelming, you should see a professional counsellor or a doctor who can help you deal with this.
At some stage you may start to accept the reality of the situation. It is easier to reach acceptance of your situation if you are able to develop a real understanding of why your parents separated and can begin to see some good things happening for the family.
Don't be surprised if you sometimes find yourself "forgetting" that's it's happened and carrying on as normal, having some fun, especially with friends. It's OK to go on having fun even if there are bad times.
You might think of ways to try and get your parents back together - but that is up to them. Just as you are not to blame for the separation, you also can't keep them together.
Remember that sometimes things are better off for a family when parents decide to separate.
Even though your parents may be separating they are still both your Mum and Dad and always will be. Try and stay in contact with both parents (unless one parent is likely to harm you).
Likewise, your relatives will always be your relatives. Try and stay in contact with them if you can. Contact could be a visit, a phone call or sending a note now and then.
There are times when the parent who leaves cuts off all contact with the family. This is really hard to deal with. Some people react by pretending they don't care or that they hate that parent. In reality a person could feel really sad, angry or rejected inside. It's important to get some support. Talk about your feelings to your parent, or a close family member or a counsellor.
If your parents are fighting, it's not your responsibility. It is up to your parents to change. You can tell them it makes you feel bad and that you'd rather they didn't fight around you. This can be hard to do. Have a read of our article on assertiveness to help with some ideas of how to say this.
Some parents might criticise their ex-partner. It can make you feel really uncomfortable. You could try telling them that it upsets you when they say unkind things about the other person, because even if they have split up, they are still your Mum or Dad, and you still care about them.
Sometimes Mums and Dads can try to get information about their ex-partner by asking you questions about them. Or use you as a messenger. This can put you in an awkward position. It could be helpful to explain that you don't want to be the middle person. You could also add that you wouldn't answer the same question if their ex-partner asked it about them either. See Assertiveness for ideas.
Realise that it's normal to have strong emotions and reactions, like feeling worried, to your parents separating. It's also normal to feel bad if they are fighting.
Keep an eye on your brothers and sisters - they may need help. They might be good at supporting you too.
If you're not sure what is going on and feel that you need more information, can you talk to your parents and ask them what is going on? If you feel uncomfortable about doing this, is there an aunt or someone close who is aware of the situation and could help?
It's important to have an outlet for your feelings and to find emotional support. There are a lot of changes to deal with right now. Some of these might be a new home, a new step-parent or a new school. Ask for support from your parents, brothers, sisters, relatives, friends or a counsellor.
Material adapted from Department of Human Services South Australian website - www.cyh.sa.gov.au
