Guilt and shame

Guilt and shame are similar emotions in that both involve feeling bad about oneself. Guilt is generally associated with something one has done (or not done). Shame, on the other hand, is often experienced as a feeling of being a bad, unworthy, hateful person. When shame becomes deep-rooted and generalised to who one is, it is a very destructive, painful emotion.

The value of guilt and shame

Guilt and shame have an important role to play in social organisation. Guilt can be seen as information which guides us to change our behaviour or rectify something we have done which was wrong. For example, guilt about not doing an assignment can motivate us to stop procrastinating. A healthy degree of guilt helps keep society functioning in an orderly way. For most of us, knowing we would feel guilty prevents us from committing anti-social actions which might otherwise tempt us. People who are unable to experience guilt are known as sociopaths, and they are capable of committing awful crimes without feeling any remorse.

Shame has a similar social value to guilt in regulating behaviour. We can feel ashamed of ourselves for doing things that we know to be wrong, but with shame the sense of "badness" goes deeper and affects our sense of self-esteem. Indigenous Australian tribes often used "public shaming" as a way of punishing crimes. Shame is such an unpleasant emotion that it can be a very effective disincentive for committing anti-social acts. Shame is a social emotion in that it causes us to want to hide ourselves from others.

Unhealthy guilt

Guilt is unhealthy if it is out of proportion or causes acute distress. Unhealthy guilt can arise because of:

• A clash between value systems. For example, some cultures have very strict rules about sexual behaviour. However, mainstream Australian culture is relatively relaxed in its approach to sex. A person who grows up in Australia but whose parents are from another culture might feel guilt about their own sexual behaviour as a result of the clash between cultural value systems.
• Excessively harsh or abusive discipline. If rules of behaviour have been enforced abusively or with excessive force, the fear of punishment can be internalised as a high degree of guilt.
• Unrealistic standards of behaviour. Nobody is perfect. If you expect never to feel angry, always to tell the truth and never to have a mean thought about anyone, then you are likely to feel guilty a lot of the time.
• An act believed to be wrong which has not been confessed or atoned for. Sometimes people do things which they later feel guilty about. If the guilt is severe enough, they may feel afraid to tell anyone or to make amends for it. This can lead to an unhealthy state of guilt and anxiety.

All of these issues may require counselling in order to be resolved. See Getting Help for places to seek support.

Unhealthy shame

Unhealthy shame is a deep-rooted sense of being unworthy, inferior, despicable or bad. Unhealthy shame can manifest as:

• A feeling of exposure around others, or a sense that others are looking at you and thinking negative thoughts about you.
• A hatred for parts of one's body or for one's whole body.
• A feeling that there is something deeply wrong or disgusting about oneself.
• A fear of being exposed.

As shame of this type is usually quite deep-seated, counselling is usually required to bring about change. See Getting Help for places to seek support.